We’re majorly lacking in discussion about Body Image outside of the heteronormative context.
For my Shes, Theys, and Gays…
I’ve spent the last few weeks talking about Bridgerton and the idea of beauty standards for women, and more specifically, how those standards are a tool of the patriarchy.
There are a lot of reasons why we as individuals might NOT want to measure our worth based on whether or not men find us fuckable. For example, we believe:
We do not exist to be eye candy for others.
Our worth isn’t tied to attractiveness.
Our bodies are our tools to move through the world & live our purpose.
WE’RE QUEER AND MAYBE DON’T CARE ABOUT FUCKING MEN.
(Hi, hello, it’s me, I am all of the above.*) *I’m queer & pansexual.
So, so, SO much of the discussion of Body Image is framed within heteronormative standards–and for good reason:
The patriarchy is built upon the belief that male heteronormativity is the peak of all human existence. So all of our Body Image exists in relation to that.
Most people identify as heterosexual (but that’s changing 😁 ) so that frame does speak to most people’s experience.
BUT that means that we’re majorly lacking in discussion about Body Image outside of the heteronormative context.
So here I am, making a Gay Body Image Festivus for the rest of us!
This queer-affirming guide explores body image beyond the male gaze. It’s for anyone divesting from toxic beauty standards, diet culture, and heteronormative ideals. And spoiler: you don’t have to be queer to benefit from questioning all of that.
If you’re ready to explore what it means to actually see yourself—beyond what you were told to look like—then grab a seat, fam. Let’s get into it.
Queer’ not as being about who you’re having sex with (that can be a dimension of it); but ‘queer’ as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and that has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.
-bell hooks
So, as someone who is divesting from diet & toxic fitness culture, western beauty standards, and generally all forms of oppression, YOU arequeer, because that is at odds with everything around you.
Let’s get into it!
Okay, if women are basically taught NOT to have opinions about our own bodies, (read more about that here)and that our default preference for how our bodies exist & are adorned should be determined by men (say hello–and goodbye—to The Male Gaze…)
But then we realize we are not interested in men (or are not exclusively interested in men)…
HOW WE SHOULD LOOK AND WHAT WE SHOULD FIND ATTRACTIVE IN OTHER WOMEN & ENBY FOLKS?!
The answer, of course, is “however & whatever you want.”
But in a world that has not only discouraged us from forming opinions about what we like & want (“good girls get what they get & don’t throw a fit”), but also actively punishes us for voicing such opinions (“she’s such a bitch”), figuring out what you want/like/prefer/feel comfortable with IS A TALL ORDER!
FOR STRAIGHT & GAY FOLKS ALIKE, the question is this:
When are you going to figure out for yourself what you like, want, & deserve?
When are you going to realize you are worthy of having all of that?
When are you going to discover that no one else can do this for you?
You are your own knight in shining armor, your own hero, your own savior.
How Bridgerton Plays Into It
As I briefly mentioned in the Bridgerton series, because we are raised in these systems of oppression, that means we have also internalized these messages.
Meaning: we don’t need other people to tell us Penelope Featherington is ugly because she’s fat; we’ve gotten the message so clearly, so many times, in so many ways that the voice programmed in our brains tells us on behalf of the heteronormative, white supremacist, patriarchal body hierarchy. (Say THAT five times fast!)
Except, as many of you have told me… You DON’T think Penelope Featherington (nay, Bridgerton) is ugly. You think she is gorgeous, beautiful, alluring, & most definitely lust-worthy.
WELCOME! THAT IS YOU! THAT IS WHAT YOU LIKE! That is NOT the voice programmed into your brain. That is your discernment.
Uniforms & Your North Star
I call this inner knowing your North Star, & it’s one of the 3 tools all of my clients get when working with me
Do you know your…
North Star: What do you believe about health & fitness? What are your values? When you know that, your fitness goals and motivations become part of your guiding light.
Body Compass: What feels good for you? How do you know? By attuning to your built-in body wisdom, you can feel confident that you know what’s best for you.
Fitness Toolbox: What movement would fit best right now? How can you give yourself what you need? With a variety of movement options in your toolbox, you’ll have the knowledge & skill to make choices for yourself and tailor it to your needs.
So what does this have to do with being gay, Deanna?! Get me back to gayness, please!
Absolutely!
When you discover your queerness, one part of yourself–which you thought was rock solid & an absolute truth–gets called into question & completely (or partially) overturned, then you start to question EVERYTHING you thought you knew to be absolutely true.
That can include things like:
How you want to present yourself
What you are attracted to/allow yourself to be attracted to with less or no shame
How you expect other people to look
Your understanding of what other people are attracted to
And, of course, all of this is tied to BODY IMAGE!
What we DO NOT want to do, however, is just substitute the new “ideal lesbian image” for the old “western beauty standards” that we just threw out, because then we’re just doing the same thing all over again (but this time with flannel).
If you want to get to the root of healing your body image, it CANNOT be measuring yourself against someone else’s external standard.
Can you test out, try on, and cycle through all the different options for yourself, figuring out which parts feel good, true, & authentic?
ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY!
Will deciding you’re a “high femme” & therefore you need to wear that particular uniform & start acting like whatever the hell that means help break you out of your conditioning about how you are supposed to look?
No, it surely will not.
The only way to heal your body image is to accept that you’re supposed to look however the hell you want to look, with the body that you’ve got.
Final Thoughts
So yeah, you can totally try on all the looks, labels, vibes, and aesthetics your heart desires.
Play!
Explore!
Be extra!
But if you want real, lasting body image healing—not just a new costume—you’ve gotta do the deeper work of asking what you actually want.
Not what you were told to want.
Not what your community expects now.
YOUR North Star.
And that’s where coaching comes in.
If you’re ready to untangle all this identity-body-confidence chaos and finally feel like yourself in your skin—flannel or no flannel—I’ve got you. Let’s do it together.
And if you’re trying to heal your body image while queer, might I recommend a coach who has been there? (C’est moi. )
North Star: What do you believe about health & fitness? What are your values? When you know that, your fitness goals and motivations become part of your guiding light.
Body Compass: What feels good for you? How do you know? By attuning to your built-in body wisdom, you can feel confident that you know what’s best for you.
Fitness Toolbox: What movement would fit best right now? How can you give yourself what you need? With a variety of movement options in your toolbox, you’ll have the knowledge & skill to make choices for yourself and tailor it to your needs.
)
